I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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