I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize