i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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