I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
