In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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