your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
