so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize