Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
