It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
