Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Just high enough for therapy.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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