hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
