He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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