I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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