Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Sorry about my life...
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize