just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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