do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
