He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
