I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
