And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
