I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
