Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
