Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
