i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
