I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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