barbara walters just said penis...
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
