somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Oh god it's open bar.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
