fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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