I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
