Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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