Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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