My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
