it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
