I'm really into asian looking animals
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
