im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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