in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
