I got chris browned last night
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
