If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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