Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
