To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
