everyone is single if you try hard enough
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
