Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
