If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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