Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
