Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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