a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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