Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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