everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
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