ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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