When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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