Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize