"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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