Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
