mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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