I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
