dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
