Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
