Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
