just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
