the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
