my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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