Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
