I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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